At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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