I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
