Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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