Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
