We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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