I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
