I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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