god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
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