Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Green mimosas i think yes
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
