My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
