One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
