remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
