threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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