non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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