I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
