Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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