Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
