The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He kissed a someone with a penis
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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