Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
