Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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