That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
