so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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