Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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