my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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