Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
