it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
