Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
