I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
