Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
