i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
