i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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