I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just invented taco cereal.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
