Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize