I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
