you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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