So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
