If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Randomize
