Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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