I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
