I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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