the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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