The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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