Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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