I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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