dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
