I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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