so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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