she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
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KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
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Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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