Tell her she can't have a vagina
I think I died a long time ago.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
It's no shave November. This is our time.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
