I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
