ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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