hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
