You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
