did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
