Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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