im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
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