I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
