My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
