Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
