Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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