New low: just hacked my moms facebook
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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